趕趕趕趕趕呀....

一連幾天不停收拾行裝，幸得蘭茜幫忙，總算把家中的大部份東西分成丟掉、送人、郵寄及放進行李四類...

還有不到一星期便要移民了，所有東西仍未丟掉或送人或寄出，明天一早朋友會來幫忙投寄大部份東西︰11 箱書及 3 箱衣物及杯子 (很傻啊，但我太喜歡我的老杯子了)，約 75 公斤的東西... 一切順利的話家中會少了好些東西... 不順利的話... 我便不知怎麼辦了.... 大概要在郵政局賴死唔走....

為什麼要我這樣？為什麼偏偏是我？

好累.... 好累.... 累得連哭也哭不出來....

可以不可以....？

還有不到兩個小時才算回港一星期，時差還未過‥‥朋友不斷提醒我是時候為自己打包了，要開始收拾打點了‥‥但‥‥不是還有兩個星期才移民嗎？

原來日子過得很快，還有十一天便上機了，但什麼也未開始收拾，只辭退了工作、訂好了機票、拿到了簽證‥‥自己已累得想哭了‥‥

可不可以什麼也不幹？可不可以不寫emails？可不可以不見人？可不可以先看一星期電視再算？可不可以先睡一星期再算？可不可以先讓我好好哭一頓？

好累啊‥‥真的好累啊‥‥為什麼偏偏要這時候移民？可不可以再等一會？

我真的好累啊‥‥可不可以一把火把東西都燒掉，那便什麼也不用收拾了‥‥

何處是吾家

回港前的晚上，從 Youth Hostel 頂樓房間眺望 Baden Baden.

終於回到家了﹗重回屬於自己的家，經過六千多里的飛行旅程，累，但能再次舒舒服服的洗個澡、能安安靜靜的呆在家裡，感覺妙極了‥‥

整整兩個月在德意志，Phil 雖然仍未出院，但情況總算穩定下來，微笑開始重現他的臉上。

此時此刻，感覺好像發了一場大噩夢一樣‥‥今天早上在自己久違了的床上張開眼睛，身邊躺著 Belly Bell ，自己握著 Pink Panther 的手，有點不現實，很想告訴自己什麼也沒發生過，但面前要處理的，卻又如此實在、迫切。

朋友不停的問︰你什麼時候要離開？

我不知道，更不想知道，但可能是兩星期後的事，若一切順利的話，我不願也不能再離開 Phil 太久。

這兩星期，我必須結束香港的一切，再一次踏足德意志時，便得由零開始，要為 Phil 及自己找容身之所，因為他媽為著一點芝麻小事叫我不要再回去，而我的尊嚴也不會讓我「頼死唔走」‥‥

家，何處是吾家？

I wish...

Sometimes I wish, when I got up in the morning, all these nightmares would be gone, vanish in the air...

My strength is fading... please renew my strength...

Sprechen Sie Englisch???

Do you speak English? That's the question I ask in almost every conversation... I've never spoken so much German in one day... not even when I was learning it....

Early in the morning:

Called the telecom company to inquire about the termination procedures of the telephone & internet contract. The operator said she could speak a bit of English, which mean less than a hand full of words... Service termination has to be in written form, thank goodness they accept English letter, otherwise Phil won't have the nerves to write it. There are still 5 days for me to finish this.

Called Phil's lawyer to reactivate Phil's lawsuit against his company. I had been hoping that the receptionist spoke some English, so that I could explain our situation more clearly to her. But to my disappointment she didn't. :( After much struggling with my broken German I asked, "You understand?" "Almost." Good, telephone appointment with the lawyer arranged. Well done.

In the afternoon:

Went to the local foreigners office to inquire about my application status. I never like going into there in the past, but with Phil by my side I was calmer, and able to conduct a short and simple conversation with the staff without any problem. Phil stood by my side, hardly a word, so that I had no choice but to speak for myself.

Went with my father-in-law to the health insurance to seek assistance on Phil's hospital bill. Like his son, my father-in-law just sat beside me, not one word, and let me take the lead. I looked twice towards him for help, he smiled and nodded, and so I knew I had to do the talking myself again. Extremely broken German, cuz this is a totally new set of vocabulary that I still don't have. With hardly any idea how the system works, I went blank when the insurance lady asked me what exactly my question was. I was boiling inside: Didn't I just tell you what happened? Can't you see our problem?

But Germans, like machines, often need exact questions before they can solve any problem. Different questions can be derived from the same situation. So they need the exact question you have in mind, not what they think you have.

So on and on I tried to make myself clear, after a few minutes talking and clarification, the lady sent us to another desk, and there I had to do the whole talking all over again, with my exact question of course. Finally got the form for the doctor to fill out, afterwards we will find out how much assistance the insurance can offer.

In the evening:

Called the landlady to ask about the renovation. In Germany tenants are required to renovate the apartment before moving out. But with Phil in hospital, the painting of this 65m2 apartment is too much for his father and me. So I had to ask whether I could pay the landlady to get it done somehow. After some explanation of how Phil's situation was, we agreed on a mutually beneficial deal. Well done.

Living in a foreign country where English is not widely spoken... I have figured out the best way to start is to just open my mouth and forget about how ugly and broken my German is. Then I can at least get things done!

When his smile fades

Things went downhill a few days ago, his smiles faded, his joy disappeared, he could feel neither love nor grief nor anything anymore.

How should I put it...? It's like the end of the world.... or like the end of the end of the world.

I was always asking for better, for more... not knowing how fortunate I already was.... All those nice walks we had in the past, sharing food together, him making coffee for breakfast, etc. etc. I miss those little moments sooo sooo much... But he cannot do them anymore.... simply not able to... I have taken away his joy in life... It's so precious, it's priceless... but I didn't realize it.... I took everything too much for granted...

You only learn to cherish what you had when it's gone. My man.... I can't tell you how much I love you... Please come back to me soon.....

The hospital experience

On the way to the hospital. Never had the time to take any picture or to stop and just enjoy it in the past two weeks. Today I found a bus going to the hospital area, so finally, can relax a bit, no more hustle!

To be perfectly honest, I find his hospital room very comfortable (that's why I am always taking naps there). He's only sharing it with another person, it's actually more like a guesthouse. And the big windows surrounding the room.... simply unbeatable! If he's not sick I wouldn't mind to stay there for longer! Hahaha :P

The view from his room.

Can you imagine this is actually a hospital?

2 Long Weeks

In Germany for almost two weeks already.... All of a sudden the world seemed to be spinning, there were only chaos and tears from the other end of the telephone line. I abandoned everything and left HK in a haste to be with Phil here, two and a half days after he was sent to hospital in an ambulance. The physical distance spared me from witnessing the dreadful fact of him being tied and tranquilized, and the endless hours when he was simply not himself anymore. But still I wish I were there for him...

Though he's still in hospital, being able to smell his cologne again, to feel the soft touch of his curly hair, to see him jumping and laughing and to hold his hands as we always did, is already more than anything I could possibly ask for. It worths more than gold, more than anything in the world.

The doctors came up with all sorts of diagnoses. They are good and caring doctors, but we believe in none of them. He just had too much pressure and was too lonely for too long that his nerves simply couldn't take it anymore.... He walked out of the job he'd been in for 13 years one morning, and then he just broke down.

It's a breakdown but also a breakthrough, we are finally together again, the past year seemed an eternity, but it doesn't matter anymore. From now on, whatever happens, I will make sure we won't be separated for so long again.

Thank you for all your support and prayers. I am blessed with extremely supportive bosses and colleagues, who took up my duties and repeatedly told me not to worry and to take all the time I need. And to my friends, who offered me their sympathetic ears and timely replies. And to an angel from the German Consulate, without her I wouldn't be able to come and see my man so soon.

It's an unforgettable lesson for me, on love and life. I shall never forget it.