Feeling rather depressed and lost these two days, especially after reading the blog of WanderingScribe, a homeless and jobless woman about my age, with a university degree just as I do (but hers is in LAW!). I know I am much better off than she is, at least for now, and I must be much more fortunate with my secured safety net, but still I can't help but be depressed by her experiences and inner thoughts. It feels like she's speaking my mind, putting into words some of my innermost feelings and fears that my pen fails to.
I know what I am supposed to be doing now, i.e. finishing my bloody dissertation. Even though I've spent almost 3 years in it and am half through, I can't stop questioning myself why on earth I am doing this and what it means to me / others. It's supposed to be something meaningful, something I will to do, but frankly I am a bit lost now. Who on earth will care what I write? How is this going to be constructive except adding one more item on my CV (and what will that mean anyway)?
My recent frustration with J has made me think alot, about my present, and about my past. Only then have I realized how troubled I am by the past. It seems to be dragging me as I try to move on... I do what I do now in order to avoid what happened in the past, which, of course, won't change what already happened and is simply stupid. But... who doesn't look back?
I know I need to finish this crap, in order to stop the cycle of failures in my recent life. Don't worry, I do know what I should do and I know such opportunity is rare and I am blessed to have it.
