明年今日....

本來想宣告世界界，我又單身了，在三年之後‥‥但現在連打字也不打出了，怎可宣告世界呢？

失去了才覺珍惜，我完全能明白這道理，所以盡量保持清醒，經歷了啤酒的「甜美」，我知道我該放手，無論如何，讓你或我都有都有機會再重新開始。

一個第三者，竟能讓你完完全全的崩潰，我想，我該心裡有數了，就這樣終結吧‥‥我已無話可說‥‥

我這個千杯不醉，你這個千杯不醉，究能讓那麼一點酒精讓我們都迷失了，一定有箇中不能言喻的原因，你我心知肚明，不用跟別人說‥‥

讓你走，我不情願，但又可怎樣？？

別擔心，我會好好的，不會再讓你或家人擔心，因為我真的成熟了，該知道如何承受失戀，我知我能做到的，只是時間的問題，不用擔心，我知你也苦了‥‥

從你那裡，我學會了很多很多，學會了怎麼叫珍惜自己，怎麼叫珍惜別人，所以，你別擔心，我真的會好好的，不用擔心‥‥

No comments, please. & no cards. I can't take any of them.... please.... I will be fine, i am sure. Please, leave me ALONE. I WILL BE FINE.

Color Quiz

Continued to read WanderingScibe tonight, after a totally failed dinner and some deep talk with J. Rain pouring nonstop outside.

Ever since I started this master program, I've been doubting my IQ and reading ability, as the books I read seem ever harder to understand. I suppose they are the same kind of books as those during my undergraduate years, but I can no longer figure out what most of them are trying to convey. Can't be the authors' problem... Is it to do with my fallen IQ? Or am I suffering from some sort of reading difficulties?

I used to think so. I am just becoming more and more stupid, and my reading difficulties are surfacing as I try to push my limits. Master... don't you dare dream!

But tonight I read so much about WanderingScribe, over 8000 words in less than 2 hours. I guess this is a proof I ain't no moron, or at least still able to comprehend well enough to understand fears and feelings.

Yet what went wrong, with my life at this point? All the efforts I've put in seems in vain... They just aren't working.... And everything seems to stuck... even the sauries I tried to fry tonight...

I definitely need to get myself out of this.... No way I can't do it. No way no way no way......

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Color Quiz again. Haven't done it for so long. I take it esp. when I am troubled and my subconscious refuses to admit it. So far it's been so true:

Your Existing Situation
Insecure. Seeks roots, stability, emotional security, and an environment providing greater ease and fewer problems.

Your Stress Sources
An existing situation or relationship is unsatisfactory, but she feels unable to change it to bring about the sense of belonging which she needs. Unwilling to expose her vulnerability, she therefore continues to resist this state of affairs, but feels dependent on the attachment. This not only depresses her. but makes her irritable and impatient, producing considerable restlessness and the urge to get away from the situation, either actually or, at least, mentally. Ability to concentrate may suffer.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. The situation is preventing her from establishing herself, but she feels she must make the best of things as they are.

Your Desired Objective
Suffering from pent-up overstimulation which threatends to discharge itself in an outburst of impulsive and impassioned behavior.

Your Actual Problem
Anxiety and a restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional requirements, have produced considerable stress. She reacts by putting this down to a total lack of understanding on the part of others, and by adopting a scornful and defiant attitude.

One last word: Sorry about tonight.... my dear J. I promise there will be your favourite dish next time.

WanderingScribe

Feeling rather depressed and lost these two days, especially after reading the blog of WanderingScribe, a homeless and jobless woman about my age, with a university degree just as I do (but hers is in LAW!). I know I am much better off than she is, at least for now, and I must be much more fortunate with my secured safety net, but still I can't help but be depressed by her experiences and inner thoughts. It feels like she's speaking my mind, putting into words some of my innermost feelings and fears that my pen fails to.

I know what I am supposed to be doing now, i.e. finishing my bloody dissertation. Even though I've spent almost 3 years in it and am half through, I can't stop questioning myself why on earth I am doing this and what it means to me / others. It's supposed to be something meaningful, something I will to do, but frankly I am a bit lost now. Who on earth will care what I write? How is this going to be constructive except adding one more item on my CV (and what will that mean anyway)?

My recent frustration with J has made me think alot, about my present, and about my past. Only then have I realized how troubled I am by the past. It seems to be dragging me as I try to move on... I do what I do now in order to avoid what happened in the past, which, of course, won't change what already happened and is simply stupid. But... who doesn't look back?

I know I need to finish this crap, in order to stop the cycle of failures in my recent life. Don't worry, I do know what I should do and I know such opportunity is rare and I am blessed to have it.

回憶總是美好的

今天，在往圖書館的路上，又再遇上他。

回頭一算，已十年了。

記憶中的他，雖然不是什麼美男子，但仍浪漫而自信，有時像個大孩子，有時又帶點憂傷。

那年，他三十多歲，是兩個女兒的父親。今天，他老了，儘管微笑親切依然。

很難想像他身為人父會是怎麼個模樣，但該是個不錯的爸爸。

雖然我們之間那麼短暫，雖然，當初決定放手是那麼的痛苦，但原來，時間會叫人忘記、叫感覺消失。

我以為我不會忘記他，但今天，我差點認不出他，直至聽到他跟女兒說話的聲線，才能確定那就是他。

而他，根本沒有注意到我就站在馬路的對面，可能因為太全心全意聽小女兒的話，可能認不出戴了眼鏡的我，或可能，他已完完全全的忘了我。

於是，在人流疏零的馬路上，大家連擦身而過的機會都沒有，便頭也不回的走過了。

回憶總是美好的，我只希望保留那點點滴滴甜蜜的回憶，重逢與否，其實已不再重要。

貓人尋貓

Little Jodie

今天山長水遠跑到元朗的保護遺棄動物協會，為要跟我選定的貓貓「相親」。

會址雖算挺大，但收留的動物卻也奇多，我跟三位朋友一進門便被群狗圍剿，牠們並不吠人，其實都很友善，只是想嗅清楚來者的氣味，但對於我這個貓人來說已經夠了。

要看到貓貓，必須先穿過一個群狗合唱的狗房，房裡的狗都給困在籠子裡，但仍叫貓人一步一驚心‥‥除了狗房，協會的辦公室裡其實也洋溢著濃烈的「狗隨」，因為協會收留的部份狗狗可在會裡自由走動，感覺上像個狗狗王國，雖然臭了點，但真的很可愛 :)

我本來打算「約見」的是Jena及輝仔，可是Jena不知往哪去了，輝仔因為年紀還小，給養在籠裡，沒緣跟我們在大貓房裡親近。大貓房裡的貓多得很，粗略估計有30隻左右，共處百多平方尺的房子裡，簡直是鋪天蓋地都是貓﹗*__*

我的選擇是一隻略胖的老貓，1994年出生，叫「大舊」，不只一次走到我腿上要求我替牠按摩，對其他貓一點也不兇，毛色偏深，不算很美但勝在和善又肯跟我‥‥只可惜，在翻看牠的檔案後發現牠只供助養，沒緣帶回家作伴‥‥ :(

Z 選的是一隻身型驕小、看上去很文靜的黃紋花貓，牠坐在貓沙發上讓 Z 按摩了很久很久，動也不動的，因此 Z 主動游說我選牠，但正所謂知貓口面不知心，沈默不等同文靜，在我們的更詳細觀察後，發現牠原來是大貓房裡的惡霸﹗所有貓貓---包括身型比牠大的---都怕牠﹗好恐怖~~~ 所以，OUT﹗

而 B & C 選的則是Jodie，也是我們最後一致選定的「目標貓」。Jodie很sweet，雖然膽子有點小、慢熱(正像我﹗)，怕陌生人，但只要你給牠一定的comfort zone，開始時不要太親近的話，牠還是願意跟你玩的。牠可愛之處，在於任何人給牠手手，牠都會去恬恬，給牠面面，牠又會用小嘴去親親。只是還沒有熟絡的話，牠是絕不讓你抱抱的。

很可愛吧？但要領回家並非易事，協會不需要你在此階段作任何承諾，但你必須繼續到協會探訪貓貓，直至情況成熟，才會決定是否讓貓貓跟你回家。而會址的所在地---元朗，正是最大考驗。

希望我有這個福份給你一個家吧﹗

The Death Of My Harddisk

突然覺得跟自己合作無間的電腦變得非常陌生‥‥

近乎一切也得從頭開始，自從昨天黃昏它魂歸天國後‥‥欲哭無淚，只好見步行步‥‥

奔波了一整天，大的問題總算解決了，它的屍骸給取出了，換上新的硬盤，電腦的窗口系統及各樣的軟件當然也得重新安裝‥‥幸虧有我哥哥，要不真的不知點算好﹗

晚上十一時，大件終於裝好了，我抱著這個剛重過"器官更換"手術的小東西，從烏煙瘴氣的旺角回到自己的家裡，心裡還是忐忑不安，回去又boot不起來怎麼辦？上不了網又怎辦？抽氣扇會不會也是時間釘了？可能家裡風水不利我的電腦‥‥

還好，基本運作是恢復了，雖然極不順手︰輸入法不對勁、老鼠跟touch pad同時運作，鼠標像瘋了的不知往哪跑了、所有settings都變了‥‥

但不敢抱怨，因為起碼老天爺讓我在硬盤半死未死、回光反照的五分鐘內救回我嘔心瀝血才嘔出來的那堆文字，總算沒有前功盡廢﹗

柄埋

這幾天的心情突然跟天氣一起轉冷、變差。對，都是天氣累的，不是誰的錯。

心裡最想做的，是把自己「柄埋」家裡的樓梯底，或是被窩裡，好好的大哭一場，但我不能，也不想。

於是，只好反常，或該說，回到從前。

小學時，記憶中沒什麼不快樂，但害怕的時候很多，每當父母半夜起罵戰時，我都特別怕，可做的，只有躲在自己的被窩裡，緊抱著我的鱷魚娃娃，盼望他們早日離婚，天下太平，阿尼佗佛‥‥

初中年代，不快樂時會去走路，不停的走呀走，從觀塘走到何民田，從灣仔走到鰂魚涌‥‥雖然連路也不會認，只管見路便走。走完了，不快的事便會隨汗水一起散去‥‥

高中年代，不快樂時不再走路了，改了去買東西，買CD，雖然不懂音樂，買衣服，雖然不會打扮‥‥

再後來，不快樂時只會躲起來哭，沒完沒了的，哭得天昏地暗，神憎鬼厭。最厲害的一次，哭去了四分一的體重‥‥讓身邊的人都擔心起來‥‥

那次，我真的以為自己再也起不來了。

但原來，再深的傷口也會被時間撫平，幾年過來，人終於覺得慢慢的恢復，從前的笑容又回來了‥‥

人老了該變得聰明，於是這次，除了走了很多路、亂買了一堆東西外，我還給自己買了八百大元的眼霜(才15ml﹗真難以置信﹗)，時時刻刻的塗在眼上，哭，就等同把錢白白哭走，萬萬不能﹗

沒事的，走過了，一切都會好了。

Cat on a windowsill

已不是第一次看到這貓兒依在窗邊了，不知牠整天坐在那裡，是在享受和暖的陽光，還是在等待牠的主人回來？

而等待，又是為著什麼呢？只想快點再見到他/她，還是期待著他/她帶回家的鮮魚美食呢？

無論如何，這樣的等，會否很傻？值得嗎？

或許，只有貓兒才知道‥‥

或許，牠自己從來也沒想過‥‥

或許，等，就只因為想等。

但我寧願相信，貓兒只是在享受著此時此刻陽光的溫柔。