He said...

He said, “you don’t understand, you just don’t understand.”
I said, “I think I do, but if you think I don’t, tell me, tell me.”

And so he explained, “driving a van is a....it’s just a special feeling...that you can’t possibly understand.”

“Perhaps I really don’t, but I do, in a way...”

“No, you just won’t understand.”

I can’t help to be disaapointed, and exhausted, three years (or longer!) since he first demanded “a van is what I want to drive!”. Everytime we discussed about our next car I felt I was put under pressure:  if we’re ever to have another car, it’s got to be a van, not a mini-van, but a proper van where he can sit high.”

But we don’t have the money.....

But I’m saving hard already!!!

But we should change our car N.O.W.!

But I want a van!!!!!

That’s our so-called discussion on such a minor issue, which just upsets me, honestly.

Tonight, three years after we first serously discussed about his camper van *dream*, I tried to stay in a positive tone and told him, “hey! There are people who are converting their mini-Mercedes A Class into a camper on Youtube! It’s brilliant! 1.85m bed!! You want to have a look!?!?!?!?”

All I got was, sadly, resistance... “Why should I turm our (little) car into a camper while we havw a 2-second pop-up tent???? Can you give me a reason???” He asked me, angrily.

“Because your dream is to turn a van into a camper?” I said, desperately, almost in tears.

“Yeah, but why???? We have a 2-second tent!!!” he insisted.

“That means no, I assume. Never mind, I just thought....” I was lost in words....

“You just thought what!?!? I don’t see the need at all, it takes two seconds to biuld our tent, why should we go through all that trouble to build a camper van out of our A170?????!!!”

I had no more strength, except what it would take to smack him (he really drove me mad...). With my last strength I declared, “BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BUILD A CAMPER VAN FROM SCRATCH ONE DAY WHEN I’M NOT IN YOUR WAY ANYMORE AND WHAT CAN BE BETTER THAN STARTING WITH AN OLD MERCEDES A CLASS WHERE YOU’LL LEARN A LOAD WITH ONLY MINIMUM MATERIAL COST AND YOU MAY SELL THIS OLD JUNK FOR A BETTER PRICE BECAUSE OF THE ADDITIONAL FUNCTION YOU BUILD INTO IT!”

And then I fell silent, cuz I can’t anymore, I just can’t anymore.

(At the end, he saw the sense in this little (interesting, in my view at least) project, and said he would do it. Do I still care? I do, but not because of his camper dream anymore.

至愛小車

我愛上這小車實在已有好些年了。今年立秋後再因為繼續修車還是換車跟肥仔大吵起來，因為我實在不想再在我們早已一文不值的小灰車身上投資了，更想換一輛車稅較少的汽油車 (柴油車的車稅實在高得太不值了，德意志又越來越多的大城巿不讓柴油車駛進去，有時實在覺得我們有車無地去)。

吵架當然沒人願意，若我自己能獨自去試車的話我也不願花時間跟他理論。我總覺得車就像鞋子一樣，不親身試一下不會知道舒與否，所以什麼車也該試一試，反正基本沒什麼成本，又能親身體驗到不同品牌不同型號的駕駛感受，何樂而不為呢？

他，卻總覺得二手巿場上大部份三數千歐的車都不值一試，除了他的至愛大眾 T1、T2、T3 、甚至 T4，但他所愛的，當然不是三數千歐便能到手 (我也不會考慮，因為小車已足夠我們的日常需要，找停車位又比大車容易太太太多 ---- 尤其在大城巿)。

斷斷續續的吵了一個月吧，他終於願意持開放一點的態度去找我們的下一輛車，碰巧有輛我至愛的四門汽油 Nissan Micra 就離我們一小時不到的小村尋找新主人，不到八歲的它叫價才三千歐，里數出奇的少 (十萬公里左右)，我當然馬上聯絡賣家﹗﹗﹗

那小車的外貌實在不錯，顏色比照片要 classy 得多，前後座的空間都出奇的寬，當然車尾箱實在小得可憐，老實的年青賣家解釋那是他太太買菜用的車，因為孩子快出生了，所以得換一輛較大的車。我聽過賣家說明車子所有過的小毛病與看過所有維修單據後已急不及待要測試它一下，沒想到一開到大路上已混身不自在.......行車時車箱內的聲浪比我們的老柴油車還要大，不懂的聽上去可能會以為小車馬力很大呢﹗* 還有的竟然是方向盤硬硬的一點也不好轉，於是想了一天，儘管我實在愛那小車的顏色跟外型，但，還是算了吧，坐進去、開起來都感覺不良好，還是 let it go 算了。

結論就是，若他早三、五年便跟我去測試了這可愛小車，我便不會到今時今日仍在嘟嚷了﹗

*我們試過的另一車 --- 六、七歲的 Mazda 2 --- 隔音也欠佳，但這 Nissan Micra 相比下更糟，實在好失望。。。

高記的一年

在高記麵包店工作滿一年多，人事，基本都已習慣了。誰能多說兩句，誰不太喜歡自己，我其實都清楚明白，你不喜歡我，一起共事四、五小時說話不多於十句在我實在沒相干，我到這裡來首要是為了工作，盡力工作給客人最好的笑容與服務就好了，能在工作間交個朋友，實在是可遇不可求的 bonus。

能說兩句的同事，當然也有，從當初的三兩句，日子久了漸漸的就變成了盡訴心中情。我其實更希望跟另一分店的德美混血同事一起工作，因為她人實在好，若在工作間能以英語暢所欲言，我覺得自己會更快樂一點，但三思過後，還是沒有主動向主管要求調派到她工作的分店去，一來因為她的分店較小，高記管理層認為 one-man band 已足夠應付，儘管作為前線員工的她，當然另有想法；二來就是該分店的另一位快到退休年齡的老同事，雖然首次兩小時的合作非常客氣，但若我主動要求調派，不知老同事會否覺得我這亞洲移民要來爭她的飯碗。

找其他的英語工作，其實也不是沒有想過，但工資扣除氣油錢後實在得不償失，總收入可能因較長的工時而增加了，但平均時薪其實比現在的「迷你工」要少三到四成，加上十二月中旬開始我發現我的「失憶症」又悄悄的回來了 (好沮喪......)，集中精神與算術又開始有一點點難度，到現在 (一月中旬) 就連開車看倒後鏡也偶有輕微的天旋地轉，若每天要來回開一小時的車去上更長時間的班，我實在沒信心自己的集中力能勝任。

所以，暫時就只能樂天知命，記著每一點的祝福，有空時盡量做點自己喜歡的事，多畫點畫，叫自己要耐心的求醫，希望早日找出失憶的根源。