I wish...

Sometimes I wish, when I got up in the morning, all these nightmares would be gone, vanish in the air...

My strength is fading... please renew my strength...

Sprechen Sie Englisch???

Do you speak English? That's the question I ask in almost every conversation... I've never spoken so much German in one day... not even when I was learning it....

Early in the morning:

Called the telecom company to inquire about the termination procedures of the telephone & internet contract. The operator said she could speak a bit of English, which mean less than a hand full of words... Service termination has to be in written form, thank goodness they accept English letter, otherwise Phil won't have the nerves to write it. There are still 5 days for me to finish this.

Called Phil's lawyer to reactivate Phil's lawsuit against his company. I had been hoping that the receptionist spoke some English, so that I could explain our situation more clearly to her. But to my disappointment she didn't. :( After much struggling with my broken German I asked, "You understand?" "Almost." Good, telephone appointment with the lawyer arranged. Well done.

In the afternoon:

Went to the local foreigners office to inquire about my application status. I never like going into there in the past, but with Phil by my side I was calmer, and able to conduct a short and simple conversation with the staff without any problem. Phil stood by my side, hardly a word, so that I had no choice but to speak for myself.

Went with my father-in-law to the health insurance to seek assistance on Phil's hospital bill. Like his son, my father-in-law just sat beside me, not one word, and let me take the lead. I looked twice towards him for help, he smiled and nodded, and so I knew I had to do the talking myself again. Extremely broken German, cuz this is a totally new set of vocabulary that I still don't have. With hardly any idea how the system works, I went blank when the insurance lady asked me what exactly my question was. I was boiling inside: Didn't I just tell you what happened? Can't you see our problem?

But Germans, like machines, often need exact questions before they can solve any problem. Different questions can be derived from the same situation. So they need the exact question you have in mind, not what they think you have.

So on and on I tried to make myself clear, after a few minutes talking and clarification, the lady sent us to another desk, and there I had to do the whole talking all over again, with my exact question of course. Finally got the form for the doctor to fill out, afterwards we will find out how much assistance the insurance can offer.

In the evening:

Called the landlady to ask about the renovation. In Germany tenants are required to renovate the apartment before moving out. But with Phil in hospital, the painting of this 65m2 apartment is too much for his father and me. So I had to ask whether I could pay the landlady to get it done somehow. After some explanation of how Phil's situation was, we agreed on a mutually beneficial deal. Well done.

Living in a foreign country where English is not widely spoken... I have figured out the best way to start is to just open my mouth and forget about how ugly and broken my German is. Then I can at least get things done!

When his smile fades

Things went downhill a few days ago, his smiles faded, his joy disappeared, he could feel neither love nor grief nor anything anymore.

How should I put it...? It's like the end of the world.... or like the end of the end of the world.

I was always asking for better, for more... not knowing how fortunate I already was.... All those nice walks we had in the past, sharing food together, him making coffee for breakfast, etc. etc. I miss those little moments sooo sooo much... But he cannot do them anymore.... simply not able to... I have taken away his joy in life... It's so precious, it's priceless... but I didn't realize it.... I took everything too much for granted...

You only learn to cherish what you had when it's gone. My man.... I can't tell you how much I love you... Please come back to me soon.....

The hospital experience

On the way to the hospital. Never had the time to take any picture or to stop and just enjoy it in the past two weeks. Today I found a bus going to the hospital area, so finally, can relax a bit, no more hustle!

To be perfectly honest, I find his hospital room very comfortable (that's why I am always taking naps there). He's only sharing it with another person, it's actually more like a guesthouse. And the big windows surrounding the room.... simply unbeatable! If he's not sick I wouldn't mind to stay there for longer! Hahaha :P

The view from his room.

Can you imagine this is actually a hospital?

2 Long Weeks

In Germany for almost two weeks already.... All of a sudden the world seemed to be spinning, there were only chaos and tears from the other end of the telephone line. I abandoned everything and left HK in a haste to be with Phil here, two and a half days after he was sent to hospital in an ambulance. The physical distance spared me from witnessing the dreadful fact of him being tied and tranquilized, and the endless hours when he was simply not himself anymore. But still I wish I were there for him...

Though he's still in hospital, being able to smell his cologne again, to feel the soft touch of his curly hair, to see him jumping and laughing and to hold his hands as we always did, is already more than anything I could possibly ask for. It worths more than gold, more than anything in the world.

The doctors came up with all sorts of diagnoses. They are good and caring doctors, but we believe in none of them. He just had too much pressure and was too lonely for too long that his nerves simply couldn't take it anymore.... He walked out of the job he'd been in for 13 years one morning, and then he just broke down.

It's a breakdown but also a breakthrough, we are finally together again, the past year seemed an eternity, but it doesn't matter anymore. From now on, whatever happens, I will make sure we won't be separated for so long again.

Thank you for all your support and prayers. I am blessed with extremely supportive bosses and colleagues, who took up my duties and repeatedly told me not to worry and to take all the time I need. And to my friends, who offered me their sympathetic ears and timely replies. And to an angel from the German Consulate, without her I wouldn't be able to come and see my man so soon.

It's an unforgettable lesson for me, on love and life. I shall never forget it.