今天

終於收拾好一切‥‥今天，我要離開了，雖然只是一陣子，但還是捨不得的獨個兒在掉淚‥‥真沒用。

走過長城後會往哪裡？我真的不知道‥‥像是逃難多於旅行‥‥攪笑。

但無論如何，二十萬分感謝你們對我的愛與關懷‥‥我會好好的，放心。

終於

一連下了幾天雨，僅餘的幾件夏天衣服也穿完了，終於決定把夏天的衣服從床底拿出來，在沉了一天以後。

天大的工程‥‥因此一直也沒動手，我就是這樣，不想做的總要等到最最最後一刻才行動，真要不得‥‥

這是我記憶中首次"開隆"，小時候在人家的地方寄住時看過褓姆如何"開隆"，所以也不算太手忙腳亂；我所會做的家務，基本上都是在褓姆家裡學的。在家裡媽媽懶得打點，我們五個小孩的衣服反正也不多，夏天冬天全堆在一櫃裡，不覺得有什麼問題。搬到宿舍後當然更不用分冬夏，反正就是臨時的居所，櫃子塞得下就是了，何必多此一舉。

搬到這個房子是去年十一、二月的事，那才第一次把夏天的衣服收藏起來，因為你的媽媽也是這樣做，所以我想我們的家也該照辦。

那簡直是世上最累的活‥‥

夏天已來了好一陣子，一直只靠沒收進床底的幾件夏天Tee及新買回來的幾件衣服維生，不想動手打開床底，怕裡面的東西早已被霉菌侵佔，怕髒，怕要動手清潔，更怕不知該從何入手。

但，有時候我們根本別無選擇，該做的，再怕，也得動手。

我不是變得勇敢了，只是，我已山窮水盡，連兩、三天的衣服也找不到，所以非動手不可。

開完隆，收拾好行裝，明天我要出發去爬長城‥‥

真希望回來後天氣會好一點。

平靜

剛過了平靜的一天，能平靜下來，真幸福。

腦裡一片空白，不是不知道前面的該怎麼面對、現在的我該做些什麼，只是想靜待塵埃落定那刻的來臨，才再作打算‥‥

還好搬到西貢來，一出家門便是廣闊的天空，以及叫我看得出神的山脈，與慈祥的笑容‥‥我喜歡跟陌生人微笑，因為他們報以的微笑總叫我覺得世界還是美好的，而現在，這正是我最需要的。

第一次成功打開你的秘密，有股莫明的興奮、卻又不安，覺得自己簡直是天才，這樣的東西也能找到，該去當偵探‥‥

知道了真相那幾個小時整個人都發麻了，也開始拉肚子，才知道身心是相連的。

新的經歷，算是意外收穫吧？

我知道我不該再看，但今天又忍不住，再次打開你那秘密的大門，像是還未看夠一樣，又讀著那些還未成為歷史的電郵‥‥

再沒有昨夜的震撼、也再沒有淚，只是心裡一點點的不舒服，當看到那丁點肉麻而壓抑的字句時‥‥我想，我真的不再介意了。人，大概應該是這樣，才不枉為「人」。

讓自己安靜下來吧，什麼也別想了，再想，只會叫塵土繼續飛揚，無法看清自己的心。把決定權交給你的心，那你就不用怕要下決定了，若你的心選錯了，也就可以賴到心的頭上。

無論你的心最後要怎麼樣---即使你選擇讓自己泥足深陷，我都會是你的避風港‥‥

所以，親愛的，別怕 :)

Shit....

Today I treated my money as colored papers, and just feel like a piece of shit.... What's going on???

苦

其實我這一生直至現在，最大的理想就是讓身邊的人快樂，這是我這幾年來悟出來的，一生我最想做到的，就是讓我所愛的人快樂，無論是情人、朋友、親人‥‥就連電郵地址也叫人像我一樣微笑‥‥但我總是做不到，我總是讓身邊的人失落、透不過氣‥‥怎麼我如此失敗？

漫漫長夜，空氣裡滿是苦澀，該怎麼辦？

其實很想去看望奶奶，已好幾個星期沒去了，我這個「好酸」‥‥但以我現在的狀態，只會叫老人家擔心，我不忍心‥‥

隨心吧

不知該有什麼感覺，這一刻‥‥大概又是「平靜地壞」。

又是一段詳談，跟你，冷靜的分析與理據，我們還是分開吧，說得比我的論文動聽、有說服力得多‥‥

但你不願意，一次失去兩段情，你說承受不了‥‥那好，再給大家一點時間，再拖一下吧，該死的始終會死，就讓我心理上有更好的準備。

已不想再哭了，經過那一夜的放肆，只覺得身心疲累，又有點無聊。

你說我已經放棄了你，其實我沒有，只是明知要結束，想果斷點罷了。

這兩天來幾位朋友的支持，真的叫我感動不已，我沒事的，畢竟已不是第一次，算有點經驗了。

希望你在忙碌過後、能重新呼吸的時候，仔細聆聽你的心。

明年今日....

本來想宣告世界界，我又單身了，在三年之後‥‥但現在連打字也不打出了，怎可宣告世界呢？

失去了才覺珍惜，我完全能明白這道理，所以盡量保持清醒，經歷了啤酒的「甜美」，我知道我該放手，無論如何，讓你或我都有都有機會再重新開始。

一個第三者，竟能讓你完完全全的崩潰，我想，我該心裡有數了，就這樣終結吧‥‥我已無話可說‥‥

我這個千杯不醉，你這個千杯不醉，究能讓那麼一點酒精讓我們都迷失了，一定有箇中不能言喻的原因，你我心知肚明，不用跟別人說‥‥

讓你走，我不情願，但又可怎樣？？

別擔心，我會好好的，不會再讓你或家人擔心，因為我真的成熟了，該知道如何承受失戀，我知我能做到的，只是時間的問題，不用擔心，我知你也苦了‥‥

從你那裡，我學會了很多很多，學會了怎麼叫珍惜自己，怎麼叫珍惜別人，所以，你別擔心，我真的會好好的，不用擔心‥‥

No comments, please. & no cards. I can't take any of them.... please.... I will be fine, i am sure. Please, leave me ALONE. I WILL BE FINE.

Color Quiz

Continued to read WanderingScibe tonight, after a totally failed dinner and some deep talk with J. Rain pouring nonstop outside.

Ever since I started this master program, I've been doubting my IQ and reading ability, as the books I read seem ever harder to understand. I suppose they are the same kind of books as those during my undergraduate years, but I can no longer figure out what most of them are trying to convey. Can't be the authors' problem... Is it to do with my fallen IQ? Or am I suffering from some sort of reading difficulties?

I used to think so. I am just becoming more and more stupid, and my reading difficulties are surfacing as I try to push my limits. Master... don't you dare dream!

But tonight I read so much about WanderingScribe, over 8000 words in less than 2 hours. I guess this is a proof I ain't no moron, or at least still able to comprehend well enough to understand fears and feelings.

Yet what went wrong, with my life at this point? All the efforts I've put in seems in vain... They just aren't working.... And everything seems to stuck... even the sauries I tried to fry tonight...

I definitely need to get myself out of this.... No way I can't do it. No way no way no way......

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Color Quiz again. Haven't done it for so long. I take it esp. when I am troubled and my subconscious refuses to admit it. So far it's been so true:

Your Existing Situation
Insecure. Seeks roots, stability, emotional security, and an environment providing greater ease and fewer problems.

Your Stress Sources
An existing situation or relationship is unsatisfactory, but she feels unable to change it to bring about the sense of belonging which she needs. Unwilling to expose her vulnerability, she therefore continues to resist this state of affairs, but feels dependent on the attachment. This not only depresses her. but makes her irritable and impatient, producing considerable restlessness and the urge to get away from the situation, either actually or, at least, mentally. Ability to concentrate may suffer.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. The situation is preventing her from establishing herself, but she feels she must make the best of things as they are.

Your Desired Objective
Suffering from pent-up overstimulation which threatends to discharge itself in an outburst of impulsive and impassioned behavior.

Your Actual Problem
Anxiety and a restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional requirements, have produced considerable stress. She reacts by putting this down to a total lack of understanding on the part of others, and by adopting a scornful and defiant attitude.

One last word: Sorry about tonight.... my dear J. I promise there will be your favourite dish next time.